CAKE NEWS! Issue 4

Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news... and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

>>>

Issue 4

BRITISH CHILDREN HOLDING TALKS ON HOW TO SPOIL THE FAMILY SKI HOLIDAY

It is every parent’s dream to take their children off to the Alps for a fun and energetic week in the snow... a few hours skiing, a long lunch on a terrace under a blue sky and then back to the chalet for a dip in the hot tub, early dinner and bed with a cup of cocoa. But, news has come to light that talks have begun amongst the UK’s children about how they can best shatter the dreams of their ski-loving Mummies & Daddies, and instead turn the seven night break into a week of stress, panic and tedium. Seven-year old Monty Robinson said: “For me, it all starts at the airport... I like to eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on and then vomit on take-off.” Five-year Gracie Geddes agrees: “Getting off to a bad start is ideal. I like to insist on holding my own passport and then leave it on the plane until we get to passport control. Watching Daddy remonstrating in French with airline staff, to try to get back on the airplane, is hilarious.” “One good tactic,” begins Campbell Jackson, 8, “is to refuse all food until you get to Geneva Airport and then let the tears flow, citing a near-death level of starvation and beg for food. The gratification comes when the veins in Daddy’s forehead swell as he realises that a cheese sandwich costs twenty quid, and then watching them actually pop when he realises that he has to pay in Swiss Francs!” But, of course, the bugging does not stop on arrival in resort. Six year old Jamie Dalgliesh of Perth, Scotland continues the story. “On day one, I like to fall-over and writhe in pain. At worst, I’ll normally get a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar but, if I am truly on my game, I’ll drag it out for two days and insist Mummy stays in the chalet with me. She’ll be so sick of the sight of me that she’ll let me sit and play on my iPad all day.” Five year old Rafferty Thomas agrees: “I tend to just moan about the food... “pasta’s the wrong shape”, “this isn’t the normal cheese”, “the milk tastes weird etc. but Jamie’s approach shows real commitment... it shows creativity and determination to see it through to the conclusion. I doff my hat.” Other popular tactics cited at this week’s Brats Conference include: insisting on going sledging straight after skiing when everyone is tired and just wants to relax with a beer; daily complaints about being too hot or too cold, combined with refusing to wear a jacket and/or gloves. The catered-chalet industry have long battled inconsistent messaging as to 'what exactly is the right pasta shape?'. However, many companies are attempting to tackle this insurmountable challenge, with a kids-specific catering service.

>>>

Read more Cake News here:

You won't be surprised to learn that 'Cake News' is, in fact, Fake News. The vast majority of these endorsements and statements are fabricated, satirical, ironic or fantastical. Please enjoy with a large pinch of salt.