CAKE NEWS! Issue 6

Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

>>>

Issue 6

NORTHERN SKI RESORTS WANT A SECOND SHOT AT WINTER

A Battle Royale is threatening to break out between conservationists and a consortium of operators of ski lifts in Europe. The debate is spear-headed by France’s Compagnie des Alpes, who are campaigning to re-position the sun so that the northern hemisphere has a second chance to experience the 'lost winter'. Since records began in 1921, the pleasure of hosting winter between June and October has been the reserve of the southern hemisphere but this is something that CdA’s Christophe-Paul-Marc-Bernard des Montagnes wishes to address: “We basically missed out on an entire ski season, in the northern hemisphere so, surely, we are next in line for a Winter.” Wolfgang Schmittenhausen from Austria’s Doppelmayr Group goes on: “What’s the point of skiing in the southern hemisphere anyway? New Zealand is not bad but don't even get me started on Australia! Stick to cricket and let Austrians take care of the skiing!” After plans to turn the world upside-down were shelved due to “engineering complexities”, boffins from the European Space Agency and engineers from the Lego Institute in Denmark are hoping to build a large, dynamic “net” to capture the sun and re-position it to the other side of the Earth using a gravitational slingshot around Mercury. Gravity-assist manoeuvres are known to save propellant and reduce expense. Environmental activists, however, are up in arms. According to Iain Robinson, from Leamington Spa, this sets a dangerous precedent: “Nature was not intended to be manipulated in this way... what will happen to hungry bears emerging from hibernation to face a second long, cold winter? What about migrating birds and blossoming flowers? And what about my tickets for Edgbaston to watch the one-day international between England and Pakistan? Are they expected to play in the snow? Will I get a refund?” The debate rages on, but this columnist would be quite happy to be pulling on the old salopettes in the middle of July rather than sitting on North Bay Beach in Scarborough.

>>>

Read more Cake News here:

You won’t be surprised to learn that ‘Cake News’ is, in fact, Fake News. The vast majority of these endorsements and statements are fabricated, satirical, ironic or fantastical. Please enjoy with a large pinch of salt.